


Tumblr Drabbles

by charlesxavierthetelepath



Category: London Spy
Genre: Episode Related, M/M, Pre-Canon, Pre-Series, Series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-04
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-04 21:09:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5348582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlesxavierthetelepath/pseuds/charlesxavierthetelepath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of Tumblr Drabbles. Most of these will be short one shots.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was a rare sunny day in London and Alex was sitting outside in a busy cafe. It was a Sunday and the streets were lined with people taking advantage of the good weather. Couples, families were on their way to the park, lunch, shopping, parties. Even those at the tables around him were in pairs or groups. He was the only one sitting alone.

He had long accepted that this was forever to be his catch cry. ‘Table for One.’ There was no one out there for him. No one who could ever accept him. Who would want him. Those happy couples, those families. They weren’t for him. That life wasn’t for him. His mother had drilled it into him from a young age "Do no waste your gifts Alistair." He was all about the mind. He was all about his work. He needed something to focus on. He needed something to dedicate his life to since he knew it wouldn’t be a partner or a family.

He straightened the table cloth and his tea spoon before he poured himself more tea. He liked coming here. Sometimes it was nice to surrounded by people. Not that anyone ever paid him much attention. Sometimes he wished they would really see him. Sometimes he wished he was just entirely invisible.

At least here in the Cafe it wasn’t as silent as his apartment. He hated the silence. It could be so overwhelming loud at times.


	2. Chapter 2

Alex held the packet of Christmas cards, his fingers tracing over the thin clear plastic. He had stopped by the corner shop to pick up some milk on the way home from this evening jog. He wasn’t sure what exactly had caught his attention, rarely did he notice such things. It was a pack of cards, silver Christmas trees with gold baubles on the front. None of those silly cartoon Santa cards that always made Alex scrunch up his nose. No, these were nice cards, greeting their receiver with a scrawled Merry Christmas. 

His finger traced over the white sticker on the front of the packet. “10 cards inside.” Alex didn’t even know ten people he could give cards too. His handler didn’t exactly invite any such personal touches. The best he had ever received was a grunted “Happy Birthday.” He hadn’t exchanged cards with his parents for years. He already had a small box of chocolates to give to his cleaner, who was employed by MI6 (not that she knew who actually paid her of course) He hadn’t bothered with a card for her, mostly because he didn’t even know her name. He knew she found him odd and she avoided him as much as possible. He was sure she had uttered her name upon their first meeting but he was too embarrassed to ask her for it again. 

He wanted to buy these cards. He wanted to sit in his dining room or office and scrawl seasons greeting and offering best wishes for the Christmas Season that was almost upon them. He wanted to stuff the cards in their bright red and green envelopes and mail them off to the people he considered dear. He wanted to receive cards back so he could put them up around the flat. He wanted to be able to look at them and smile over the fact that someone cared enough to write to him and wish him a happy and safe holiday. 

But he knew already that he wouldn’t receive any cards. He hadn’t for years. As much as he wanted to buy these, they would sadly go to waste if he did. The unopened packet would sit there and mock him for years to come. Besides, if he bought them, no one would ever get to see the beautiful designs on the front. They deserved to be sent to people who would appreciate them and treasure the meaning behind receiving such a greeting from someone. 

“Are you going to buy those?” The shop keeper asked, bagging up the milk that Alex had already placed on the counter. 

“No.” Alex knew he sounded sad as he gave them a final stroke before he put them back on the shelf. He paid for the milk, ignoring the odd look the shop keeper gave him before he headed back for his empty flat. 

He hoped the cards would find a place in someones home with words of love and care written inside them. They deserved to be cherished and looked after. They deserved to make someone smile. 

They deserved nothing less.


	3. Chapter 3

Alex was sitting in a cafe near MI6, sipping tea and people watching. The streets and shops were busy. It was 10 days before Christmas. The streets were decorated, people were wearing various Santa hats and holiday garments. They were filled with a holiday cheer that Alex envied.

He was just back from his latest assignment and for that Alex was disappointed. He had hoped it would continue over the holidays and into the new year. There was no reason for him to be back here in London. He had no friends, no family. No one would miss him if he wasn’t here but he could have missed all of this. He wouldn’t have had to be confronted with the fact that he was entirely alone. He would receive no cards or gifts. There would be no party invitations. He had missed the MI6 gathering, not that he cared much. He had gone last year but had felt incredibly awkward and left within half an hour.

Christmas Day would be spent alone in his flat. He might go to the effort of preparing Christmas dinner for one. He hadn’t last year, it was felt rather pointless to go to such an effort for himself. He had worked on programming all day instead. It had been a good way to block out a day that was meant to be special. He supposed that was what he would be doing again this year, he had put his hand up for any assignment that turned up. Anything to keep him busy and away from his empty flat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sad and lonely Alex inspires me to write. My poor baby! I have no beta so all mistakes are my own.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex couldn't solve the mystery that was Danny Holt.

Alex didn’t know what to expect when he brought Danny to his flat that morning. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust him, it was that he assumed this was a set up from MI6. They had done this to him before. Sent someone to cross paths with him. It was all a test. A way to dangle a carrot in front of him as though he were nothing more then a show pony. He had never given in before. Each time in the past he had walked away as quickly as he could. He hadn’t so much as kissed any of the others. He wasn’t one to give into temptation and the fact they were offering themselves to him because they were being paid to, made Alex feel sick. 

Danny was different. He had certainly appeared randomly in his life, on the bridge that morning. He was attracted to him immediately. Those beautiful eyes and messy hair that he longed to reach out and touch. It was the first time Alex had ever felt like this and he had run in the opposite direction, positive that this was a trap. That somehow MI6 had finally discovered his “perfect” type and practically placed it in front of him with a ribbon around his neck. 

Alex hadn’t stopped thinking of the nameless man on the bridge for days on end. He would find his thoughts would drift to him throughout the day. As he worked on codes, during his jogs, over breakfast and cups of tea, while he was laying in bed. It created a feeling that he wasn’t used to and it terrified him. He changed his jogging routes for almost two weeks until he felt it was safe to return to the scene of their meeting. He stopped short when he saw the nameless man that had been invading his dreams running toward him. The man was buzzing excitement, as he thanked him and held out the water bottle.

They walked together for almost an hour before Alex invited him to his flat. He didn’t know what to expect exactly. He was almost waiting for Danny to make a move. To touch him or say something. He knew his flat was secure. If MI6 was hoping to catch him out for not keeping intel secure they would be in for a let down. Danny could search the flat for three days and find nothing. He deliberately left him alone to search while he headed for the shower. 

He was filled with anticipation while he showered. He wanted Danny, he knew that from the moment he laid eyes on him. Was this the plan? Danny would search the apartment and then offer to fuck him when Alex emerged? He didn’t think he would be able to turn the invitation down. Not this time. Danny was different to all the others that had been offered to him before. 

He came out of the shower, just wearing a towel and droplets of water clinging to his body. He wasn’t surprised to find Danny in his bedroom. He was almost surprised that the man wasn’t waiting for him already naked on his bed. Alex approached, waiting for Danny to make his move. It was going to happen. MI6 had finally found the right temptation for him and he was right here in his bedroom. The pair stared at each other for a few moments before Danny moved. He watched as Danny approached him and Alex was waiting for him to reach out and touch him before he realised that Danny was actually walking around him. His fingers twitched to reach out and stop him but he was frozen in place. Danny paused by the doorway and looked back at him.

_“I’ll let you get dressed.”_

Alex was stunned, positive that he had heard wrong. He was going to let him get dressed? Wasn’t that why they had sent Danny here? To spy on him? To test him? Alex actually felt disappointed and then confused as Danny left the bedroom. This was different to every other test they had laid down before him. Why would they dangle such a perfect man before him if they didn’t have any intention of allowing him to finally give in? 

He frowned as he closed the bedroom door and turned to his closet. He didn’t understand what had just happened but he was determined to figure this out. He would invite Danny to breakfast. He knew just the place to take him. He needed to spend more time with this. He needed more time to work out the puzzle that was Danny Holt.


	5. Chapter 5

As they exited the club, Danny’s words stung Alex’s very soul. “So you should see other people. You should.” He physically flinched and Danny may as well have physically struck him. See other people? Danny wanted him to see other people? Had he done something wrong? Had he done something to make Danny think he wanted to see other people? He didn’t even try and stop the tears that flowed almost instantly. He just shook his head. He didn’t understand. 

“I dont want to.” He hadn’t know what else to say or do. Was this Dannys way of letting him down gently? Of course Danny would have become tired of him. Everyone always walked away from him. This man before him had stayed the longest but perhaps he would be no different to anyone else. Danny was such an amazing man. He was funny, sweet, loving, out going. Of course he would become bored of Alex. There were much better people suited to his Danny. He was going to send Alex away and his stomach churned at the thought. 

“I don’t want to. I don’t need to.” he had sobbed and Danny had taken steps toward him. Alex felt sick because he knew this was it. Danny was going to tell him to leave. He was going to end things between then, tell Alex to return to his empty apartment. 

“I didn’t mean anything by it. I just….” Danny was suddenly standing before Alex and he wrapped his arms around the taller man. 

“Please dont send me away.” Alex cried and clutched onto Danny as though he were a lifeline. Perhaps he was.

“I’ll never send you away.” Danny promised and held him back just as tightly. “I love you Alex.” 

“I love you too.” Alex whispered against Danny’s neck. He couldn’t lose him. Not now that they had found each other.


	6. Chapter 6

Alex hated Christmas. He knew that it made no logical sense to hate the holiday season and yet that didn’t stop the tightening in his stomach when he would see the first Christmas decoration appear.

For a holiday that was designed to bring family and friends together, it simply made Alex acutely aware that he was alone. He didn’t have any family to speak of and he had no friends.

He wasn’t anymore alone in December then he was during the other eleven months of the year of course. But usually he could keep himself busy. He could occupy his mind with computers and codes. Missions and assignments. Another degree that he didn’t need but threw himself into. He was all about the mind of course and he didn’t have time to feel lonely.

But the final month of year was different. If he wasn’t away on assignment, Alex had too much time in his hands. There were no classes to attend, nothing to study. Even MI6 was quiter during the holidays. Anything that wasn’t pressing could apparently wait until the new year. His handler had even give him ten days off. It had been the last thing Alex had wanted but his handler had insisted, telling him some downtime wouldn’t so astray.

His apartment had been deathly quite, the silence sickening and deafening. So Alex wandered the busy streets, feeling only minimally better at being surrounded by people. At least it wasn’t silent. The noise of people talking and laughing, making plans for the holidays in a strange way brought comfort and sadness. He watched as people carried brightly wrapped boxes and bags. A sign in the window of a confectionery store reminding people to buy something for those surprise callers. No one ever visited Alex, surprised or planned. The only people who came to his flat was his handler and his cleaner. He had gifted his cleaner with a box of chocolates he left for her. He hadn’t bought anything for his handler.

As he walked the streets alone, he overheard a store playing ‘It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.“

Clearly Andy Williams had never spent Christmas alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sad and lonely Alex at the holidays is inspiring me. My poor baby!


	7. Numbers I Have No Problem With

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set before Alex meets Danny

His flat was too quite. It wasn’t peaceful, it was a sickening and eerie quite that couldn’t be fixed with music playing in the background. It was a silence that reminded Alex of just how alone he was in the world. 

It was why he came here to work on projects. The restaurant was close to his flat and always busy enough. It brought enough noise that it was comforting without being distracting. He enjoyed being around people, not that anyone ever interacted him. He had accepted that but it was nice to sometimes witness other people go about their daily business. Sometimes he felt like there was glass between him and everyone else. As though as could observe but he couldn’t participate. 

People found him odd. People disliked him. He understood that. He accepted that. What choice did he have? He felt as though he was excluded from the very world he lived in. It was a world he wanted so desperately to be a part of but he didn’t know how. 

So he would retreat into the world that he knew so well. Numbers. Codes. Sequences. They could never shut him out because he had the power here. He understood the equations and sequences before him. He held the key to unlock the answers. It was a world that could never shut him out because he would always hold the key. 

It was a comfort.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Flashbacks of events seen in the final episode of London Spy

_It was dark. He couldn’t breathe . His body ached from the way it had been forced into this trunk, far too small for his body. The sweat was pouring into his eyes and he was crying. His hands frantically searching for a way out, his nails bleeding from scratching desperately at the wood inside. A whimper escaped him, that sounded impossibly loud being in such a small space. He balled his hands into a fist, hitting out at the walls that were keeping him in here. “Please.” he begged, although who he was pleading with he didn’t know. Maybe no one was there. Maybe he was being left here to eventually suffocate. The box didn’t seem to be air tight but it wouldn’t be too long before he couldn’t breath in this small thing. His fists lashed out again and again, his pounding and cries becoming louder. He needed to get out, he needed to get out, he needed to get out._

Alex awoke screaming, in a tangle of sweaty sheets, arms flailing about in search of the box that he was being held in. His hands only found air and he whimpered, eyes darting frenzied around the room as he realised he wasn’t in the box. He wasn’t in the box, he was in bed, in his bedroom, in New York. He was shaking and he gripped the sheets tightly to try and ground himself. It was just a nightmare. A dream. A memory. He was safe now. The box was just a memory. He swallowed and closed his eyes but visions of the dark box made his eyes fly open again and he shivered. He turned on the bedside lamp, wanting as much light in the room as possible. Not that he could sleep in the dark anymore. He was too terrified of waking up in darkness now. The hallway light was always on for that very reason. It shone directly in his bedroom and threw half his bed in light. He drew his legs up toward his body, throwing the blankets off. He wrapped his arms around his legs tightly and gently rocked himself as the memory of the darkness, the inability to breath, the cramps, the blind hysteria assaulted him. “You’re safe now, you’re safe now, you’re safe now.” He said over and over in his mind. He was out of the box at least, even though he knew that he was never truly safe. He glanced at the empty spot on the bed beside him, tears welling at the emptiness. “You’re safe now but you don’t have Danny.” he thought as he reached out a shaking hand and touched the cold sheets beside him. Sometimes Alex wondered if he would have preferred to die in that box then face a life without Danny. His hand returned to wrap around his legs and he rocked softly, still breathing hard at the memories that flooded his mind and would leave him unable to sleep. 

Perhaps once day we’ll be together again. Alex knew it was the last thing that he truly had to cling to. Memories of Danny and his wishes for the future were the only things that were keeping him sane. He needed to believe that he and Danny would one day reunite because otherwise, what was left for him in this life?


End file.
